The phrase ” I’m not myself ” is thrown around often. If you are sick, distracted , unhappy , depressed or any combination therein. But what about when you wake up one day to discover you have never been yourself.I realized that tbe part of Brie has been played for so long by my double, my understudy.
The person that I have been living as is less than. I know that I am capable of so many things but the problem is that I come near the place that I would jump off and become more and I find that I am afraid . I am scared that what I want is too big for me, too wonderful , too right , too normal or just plain old too good for me . I start to second guess not just my ability to get it , my ability to keep it but also my right to have it in the first place. This cowardace is not the real me . The moment I left Michigan , the day that I drove out of one life and into another with no idea exactly how I was going to make this thing work was one of the first times I have been me . The problem is I have been backing away from that person ever since . I have been trying to mediate her , trying to marginalize her . I want to succeed but I am also afraid of what success will do to me. I fear, not that I will change , but that I won’t . That I will find myself successful and still lost and scared .
So i back away from sucess , I call it planning, or research or caution but really it’s just my fear that once I am standing on the podium someone will look through me and see the abused little girl I am afraid I will always be and declare ” Get her down, she doesn’t belong up there” .
I have to forgive myself for this as well, I have to forgive myself for being afraid . For being this girl. For being so human . Because if I don’t forgive myself , maybe several times ,I will never learn to be myself. There are people in this world that are , either through mental or emotional disfunction , unable to know emotions naturally . They learn cognitively what happy looks like, what sad looks like, what a smile or frown or laugh means. I remember the first time I heard about that and I thought, ” that has to be so odd, not knowing something so fundamental “. Well , as usually happens when you judge others , I realize that walking around for your whole life not realizing that you are playing a role is just as odd , just as fundamentally strange , and just as difficult to change. It takes time. It takes patience . It takes a willingness to recognize that you are not like other people. But like the people with cognitive emotional learning , it is doable. You will never be normal. You will always set out just a bit from the others, but you are allowed to be proud of your simple accomplishments . You are allowed to open the doors and look out on the world. You are allowed to smile and , when you need to remind yourself , say ” This is what happy looks like.”.