Memoirs of She

She was born to two people that probably shouldn’t have children.

Drug addicts both and one, the father, an intravenous one. She is raised without him. She is raised with her mother who eventually marries a man and takes her to a new place. In Seattle, WA she is happy and for a while she is allowed a childhood. Her mother is young and impetuous and decides that it is time to move away. Her mother divorces her husband and together the mother and she moves back to Michigan. In Michigan she is a victim. She is different than everyone. She is bullied. She is left alone a lot and pretty child that she is, she is victimized by the males that come into her world. Mother falls in love with a man that is a monster and for the next 7 years she is filled with shame and sadness. His predilections for children are not only satiated by the touching in ways children are not to be touched but to harm the mind and body as well. she is scarred inside and out . On her leg she has an iron shaped burn. She has various permanent scars. She was once split by a golf club and threatened with a gun. All with in the walls of her home. All within the confines of the family.  She is 12 when her mother finally leaves the man.

Things happen that she is not prepared for, but she is also strong. She is very smart and she is very good and one day she decides to stop what is happening to her in the only way she knows how. Her life is inexorably changed forever. By the time she is 14 she is a mother.

At 18 she graduates and tries her first time to get a degree. But the world is hard and she is thwarted. Still she is happy. Not all the time. But she is. And for a while that is enough. She tries again and again to get her life on track. In the middles and edges of again and again she does things. She writes a story that is used in a movie. She falls in love. She marries. She is always kind to those that are smaller than she. She is always good and faithful and loyal. She never uses her pain as an excuse to commit evil. She strikes against those that do. Pedophiles and pederasts, all those that hurt the small and the innocent.   For them she is brave in a way that she could not be for herself. She is touched by the loss of any innocent.  People ask why she reads about the small ones that were hurt or died at the hands of monsters like the one that raised her and she cannot explain it . One part of her needs to see it to reassure herself that she belongs here. That she was saved for a reason. Another part wants to remember them. Wants them to feel that she is trying to be a better person in their names and memories.  She loves them, because they never got to make mistakes.

Now she is grown up. Fully now and she works so hard to finally be who she should have been. She is a writer. For the first time she is actually a working writer and that makes her happy. She is a novelist, though not yet published.  She is seeking and she is trying and every day she gets a little brighter. The way ahead is not clear but she is sure that it will get better everyday.  I am she. She is me.

Oh you know you have SOMETHING you want to say!

Please log in using one of these methods to post your comment: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s