Desperation

There is a word that seemingly has all negative connotations . Desperation . There is not part of that word that seems to be positive , to be pleasing , to be pleasant . Desperation .  Although… that is just the top part of the word . Desperate. The word sound and feels like the end . I was desperate for him, I was desperate for water , but the truth is sometime desperation is a release. It is letting go of all the markers that say what is and is not OK . All the pride. All the pretense . And just admitting that getting the thing you need is paramount. The last 24 hours of my life has been all desperation .

I have seen the desperation of people . I have felt the desperation of myself and my family to get everything that we all need to start making a better , richer , truer life for us all. I have had to make and accept decisions that I would have scoffed at 3 months ago and I can tell you that I am ashamed. Ashamed of that previous Brie , that looked at her situation and wouldn’t be in desperation for the better life .

Today has been a mile long , and 3 fathoms deep in desperation, redemption and love .  I have trusted that the world of my family can float without me under it . That if any of us are to make our lives work I have to believe in them and in myself . If I don’t we will never , not any of us , be whole alone . This is hard for a person that has always had to carry the world on her back like Atlas, but , unlike Atlas I am not cursed to do it forever. I can put the burden down and walk , back sore and a little worse for wear, but strong and resilient for all that .

I do not know what the next year will entail, but I know …KNOW … that it will be what was meant to be .

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