Here and There and back again , the road to revisions


I completed my first full novel draft. I am beyond happy over finishing it , I am joyous. I am less than happy over the idea of doing revisions I am , what’s the word, scared shitless. The problem is that whilst I do believe that I have the ability to write  I  fear  after having poured a few tens of thousands words into a book that I will look at in and find that it is not only no good but that it is actively awful. I mean no redeeming factors , I am going to show it to an agent or publisher and I am going to be laughed at in an ugly fashion , told that I am the worst this to happen to the written word since reality TV and banned forever from all writing groups, societies and  unions that have been or ever will be , even if I start said group, society or union.

That will most likely not happen . I mean the odds are that it will not happen. I may not make any money. I may not find the wherewithal to complete the 3 books that will complete the story but I will likely not die of anything, be shunned, be shamed or feel the need to commit anything, suicide , myself , to a weird hair color. Most likely I will simply fill in the plot holes and deadly boring spots, do a second revision for length or content and be good. I am not saying that this is my magnum opus but I think that It at the very least , ok. and brings me to the point of today.

I am a crazy sick writer person , like many of you , I write and then I rewrite and then if you let me I will rewrite and research until what I have is a 60000 word polished turd. Not that it is my plan but if you are too precious about your writing , second and third and tenth guessing every single word and phrase choice you will eventually have something that no one , including you , want to read for pleasure. writing is a very private thing, and it is very personal but if you want to make a living at it  you have to be willing to have a good enough point . your beta readers will help with that . people who have the honor of reading your first polished draft , people who like your writing , and love or at least like you and are willing to be honest about the quality of your writing whilst ( I am using whilst today) refraining from saying things like ” don’t you think the dog could be a corgi , I had a corgi when I was a kid” kind of things.

when I started writing my novel and read all the books that I could about writing and they all said ” wait” X ” time before you start revisions” and I thought , I can’t wait I have to do it now. and now I have to revisit those said same books to hear ” but don’t wait too long because ”  basically you lose your story mojo. and having done three chapters of revisions so far with the help of “Rock Your Revisions” and a few tips from other people I have managed to do the first pass , make some notes and low and behold , I am not dead and my writing while not perfect is , at the very least , okay  . and for a first novel , a solid dose of okay is , at least, okay.

Successful


 

I am a Creative with deep roots. Its not what people see that counts, its whats buried deep that counts.If you are particularly sensitive, you may want to get an “updated” copy of Napoleon Hill’s masterwork “Think and Grow Rich” , but if not it is available in PDF or E-reader for for free download all over the internet. I say that “if you are particularly sensitive” part because I began reading the original for the first time yesterday and I realize that over the years, some of the language has been cleaned up and some stories have been edited for content. I am not particularly sensitive but I did take slight umbrage with the use of “Deaf and Dumb” in reference to Helen Keller, Calling a black child “ignorant, illiterate” in a story .words that did not really add to the story in my opinion. The almost constant use of the word “Normal” in relation to Blair Hill, the author’s son, that was born with no ears but who was forced to learn how to hear because of the overwhelming need for him to be “normal” by his father. I find that story both amazing and horrible.

Nevertheless, the other parts of the book are filled with merit. The book has been revamped and this is my third or fourth time reading it, although my first with the original text, and I think that it is something that everyone should read, at least once. Like the bible. Moreover, like the bible, you will get out of it what you get out of it. I can see it going forward in some people’s lives as simply new age ( the book is rounding on 100 years I think but still people will call it that) bull. Which for them, it will be. Some people will, as I did, read it and not really understand it. It rings a faint bell but I do not know that I really know the tune kind of thing. You have to keep reading it as your paradigm changes to get the true scope of the thing.

Then some of you, the Chloë Grace Moretz, the Bill Gates, the Zuckerbergs, among you will read it and have a kind of ping and duh moment at the same time. I think that the “secret” that lives in the pages of the book is something that comes natural to some people in this world. They wake up every day with the knowledge that they are going to make it. I am both awed by and terrified of these people. Not those as they are now but I suspect that Hitler was one of these people just turned inside out. When I meet them, always a part of me hopes they are one the side of good. Because I do not think that, I would be great in the apocalypse, except the Zombie Apocalypse because I have plans together.

I am reading this book again, and what I am getting out of it this time is, I can do it. In actuality, I am getting a full picture of my successes and failures of the past year. I tend to lose faith when I am close to the end because I believe that I fear (or have feared, as I am conquering that now) the near win-miss. The honest to god truth is that, without failure you cannot win; or should I say constructive failure. You cannot win the grand prize, if you do not lose the second prize. So many times in my life, I have been unwittingly leaving the game because I lost at second when the first prize had yet to be awarded. Real life example of that is when I won my 60-Inch TV, I had wanted to win the TV, which was the last prize. In the process, I gloomily sulked over not winning the laptop, the vacation package, the PS3 (they had just come out) and I was literally putting my coat on when I won the TV. The thing that I had actually stated that I wanted! My single raffle ticket, if it had won something else, could not bring me the TV that I wanted but I was ready to give up when I had not won everything. Something that would have been impossible anyway!

Therefore, again in my reaffirming the goal mindset, I state that while I am blessed and lucky to have been given my fantastic brain, I am also at odds with said brain. Sometimes I have to shut it off and let my heart take the wheel. I know what I want. I am learning how to get it and nothing will stand in my way. Not even me

Send in the Clowns


This song means a lot to me as I grow up and grow older . So many things  in my life , not just men but jobs, friends, thoughts, actions  , feel like they fall in this category . This why didn’t I realize at the time what I had .  Only to realize that the recapture of that thing , place , person or action is outside of your ability. You can not get the one that got away.

There are a lot of these for me , some because I truly didn’t see the merit on them and for those I can only sigh and move on but the ones that hurt are the ones that I missed out on because I was too  chickenshit it make a move . I am never proud of myself when I  miss out on something because  I decided to be a chickenshit . I would rather fail miserably  in trying than be in fear. I would like to try and fail beautifully.

In the spirit of that I have decided to sing today. You are free to listen or not to listen ( like you didn’t know that , right?) but understand that I am singing accapella and I did not do another take . I am a little pitchy at times I think but I am also woman enough today to sing one of my favorite songs to you and free of change .

http://youtu.be/TU8d7SBwswI

This year has not been easy and it is only May , but then again this year has not been easy and it is already May . I am not going to wallow in the many yesterdays, the could have beens , the should have beens. I am going to sing. and I am going to dance . I am going to move forward and laugh . Topple , roll , squeak my red nose and freak some people out . In short I am going to embrace the fact that I may be a clown. But after I go forward I will never let fear make me a clown again .

Free Fallin’


There are people in this world that have jumped from an airplane only to find mid-fall that the parachute didn’t open. While generally this spells death  for the person plummeting to the earth there are , on occasions, a person that lands and is found broken, bruised and badly shaken but nonetheless alive .

That person while recovering from the usually significant injuries has to , despite everything , feel like the luckiest son of a bitch in the world. You go into a free-fall , a jump from much higher than people die from and you live . You didn’t walk away . How could you? But the survival… the survival is all you could hope for and more.

Coming to Houston was me in free fall. I had little choice about what else I could do but I was definitely moving fast towards the ground and simply now , still in mid fall I have realized that I  can’t do anything to change the end of this fall.  now I am not saying that I am a victim of my fate I am saying that the choices that i made before now have shaped the movement  I am in  now . I jumped and while I couldn’t have predicted the lack of a parachute I had the choice to never jump.

I wonder if the people who are falling feel like I do now. In those moments , the beauty and splendor the earth all around them while they scream , prey or wet  themselves , do they also feel like this might be what I had to have happen. Would they choose to be at  home in whatever life made them feel like this was a good idea? I doubt that. I doubt that they would prefer to have never had the jump to avoid the fall.  I know that I would not .

Live Your Life


There is a moment in your life when you realize that it is necessary, for whatever reason, that it is time to try a radical change. You have to move . You have to change work. You have to do SOMETHING or you will die. Maybe not literally , although sometimes literally, but definitely spiritually. Dying spiritually is not a Christian concept . I am not talking about a disconnection with a deity , I am talking about a disconnection with everything. Your very essence , your liver , your lungs , your heart , your mind  , the skin and sinew that are you . Disconnected from you . You would walk around in a state of unconscious , alive and breathing wondering why food tastes different , why sex is unfulfilling , why you don’t laugh anymore. That is spiritual disconnect. Death has occurred and now you are a Zombie, unable to understand what changed.

I am at this moment. I am at the moment and day that requires that I take action. Action. I need a verb, a word that stands for my next phase. I am seeking that verb at this moment but I cannot , in typical Brie fashion, spend a month brooding about what that word might be , planning the finding of that word, seeking people’s opinions about what that word should be ( acting, writing , living, breathing ) until I am overwhelmed and exhausted and give up. This is my problem. This is the thing that has held me back from people and things , from places and thoughts . This is why I am still not the person I want to be . The me that  I want to know.

My temporary word will be a word cluster , for now my word(s) will be ” in the meantime” . I am going to continue moving toward my divinity , again not a religious concept but a personal one, but until then I will act, breath, write, learn . In the meantime, I will do all the things that I have been putting off waiting for the right person, place, sound, computer , dress size , fill in the blank to come by. If I do not have the right tools , I will use the tools at hand. If I don’t have a date , I will go with the intention to mingle and enjoy the moments. If I don’t have perfect words I will write the words I have , and have faith that I will find the perfect way to convey . It is time to stop researching the life I want and start living the life I have.