Here I Go Again on My Own

Today I woke up early. This is a great and  wonderful thing because I have been in my “I can’t get up, I can’t continue” phase for almost a month. The odd thing is it took me that long to realize that I am in fact in a deep depression. The fact that I started pushing away my friends , lying to people that have as a support system , sleeping full days away , crying at the drop of a hat and literally eating things that were bad for me while saying in my head ” I shouldn’t eat this , I’m not going to eat this, I don’t even like this” did not tell me that I was depressed Those things are all tale tell , I might as well have been walking slowly while touching a dark beige wall , but I didn’t see what I was feeling as depressed. I realized that I was depressed when I became aware that I could no longer form words. I had stopped writing.

This was a dangerous thing. I have been writing since I was seven. I have always journaled. I have always written short stories. I have always been a girl in her head, with little friends and personal anecdotes that keep her company. I have plays and movies and runaway epics that replay in my head. My while life I have been forming words , thoughts , people , places , constructions , monuments and alternative lives in my mind. I was no longer a friend to the various people in my brain, the mindscape was becoming a foreign land to me and when I came to understand this I knew. I am depressed.

Now this is both emotional and chemical. I am dealing with some major upheaval. I lost my job, I didn’t like my job but I loved my job at the same time. It was hard and new and I loved the challenge but I also felt that the company did not view me as an asset (ha, guess that was correct) and that it therefore did not allow me to be all that I could be. I was not given, or even offered the opportunities to network that my coworkers were. I was not aided in my position. I think that I should have// could have /would have been very successful in the position if I was better guided but I was not.  And I was terminated after being told that I was not going to be terminated.  I do feel discriminated against. And that feeling bullied, feeling lied to, feeling uncared for and used poorly is the emotional side of the depression.

I stopped moving. I wanted to be at least another 30 pounds lighter by now. I wanted to continue working out every day, start my yoga, meditations and start next year off in a wonderful healthy place. Instead I haven’t moved in two months. I eat whatever I want , I don’t move , I stopped taking vitamins,  I started doing coke… ok diet coke but still I drink soda, which is not good . So the fact that my mind has become a clouded mass of ” who are we, what are we doing here” is less than shocking  If I was a car I would be running with dirty oil , low octane gas and water instead of antifreeze and basically wondering “” why is this car running so rough?” .

So I am now on the path to find a new job , get off my butt and move and eat food that looks at least 90% what it would look like in nature, turns out there is no chicken nugget bush. And lastly to continue writing , everyday from today forward . I need to reacquaint myself with my mind , and get to know once again the playground of my youth.  I’m back. Wish me luck.